One of my favorite songs is Time In A Bottle, by Jim Croce. To me it represents that secret wish within most people, certainly within myself, to either stop or slow time down so that we are able to enjoy something or someone we love just a little while longer. That for just a little bit more time, we don't have to let go, and lose what has become so precious to us. It's a nice thought, but not overly practical or realistic, and sometimes, can become detrimental, if you allow that wish to keep you in a place you were never meant to stay. You begin to hope that what you want will come to pass. That life can be different, better. It can begin to consume you, and eventually, unchecked, it can and will cause damage. Proverbs 13:12 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life". I've thought about that alot. It resonates within my spirit and soul. I have struggled with depression and anxiety in the last few years, manifesting itself in various ways, and degrees of severity. In this last six months or so, I've begun to see a connection between that and my constant hope for something different than what I'd been dealt in life. I've been hoping for something to change around me, to fix how I feel inside me. Because of that, I didn't really think that the scripture was appropriate to what I was needing an answer for. But it is, and here's why.
The THINGS I have been hoping to hold onto, or not wanting to let go of may not be a "right" kind of hope, and may not be the kind of hope God meant in that verse, but the REASON for my holding so tightly to them is! He created us in His image. He is love. He created me to love, and to be loved. The "why" behind that false hope was a very real desire to know that I am loved and cherished, just for who I am, not for what I do for others or if I always please them or not. So then I started thinking about the second half of the verse: "a desire fulfilled is a tree of life". I began to see that the "real" hope that has been deferred all these years is to have a whole heart. To not stay in the place of broken-heartedness that began with my earthly father's rejection of me, and was never healed. It brought to my memory the scripture that says Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted, and one that says His grace is sufficient for me. So now, at long last, I think I'm finally starting to understand that I don't need to hold onto a certain time, or place, or person to find love, and see that wound finally healed. He's here whenever I'm ready to let Him do what He does best, heal the brokenhearted, by loving me, just as I am, no requirements, even when I do something stupid. It has always been His will for me to know I'm loved! As a present and personal reminder of that fact, I got my most recent tattoo. It's the scripture Romans 5:8, which says that God commended His love towards us, that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. It helps to remind me every day that someone has always, and will always, love me, no matter what. It reminds me that He doesn't leave me with hope deferred and a sick heart, and I think that's pretty stinkin awesome!
